a rose by any other name...

So Gianfranco's sister, Nancy, is getting married this October and as both a bridesmaid and future sister-in-law, I've been helping out with her wedding tasks. A few weeks ago, she was addressing her Save the Date magnets and I offered my hand (literally) in writing out some of the envelopes. As I was filling out return address on the first envelope, I wrote Nancy's first initial ("N" obviously!) and then my hand immediately went to writing out my last name when I caught myself and remembered to fill in Nancy's last name. I wasn't really surprised that I made that mistake as I very rarely address envelopes from anyone other than me but I was surprised at the thought that came next.

While the N. Ben****** on the envelopes right now stands for Nancy Ben******, the same initial will represent NICOLE Ben****** in another year and a half!

I think I've been pretty calm about the whole marriage thing. I'm excited to live with Gianfranco and to cook dinner with/for him and to have "His" and "Hers" towels hanging in the bathroom. I'm happy to share my life with the man I love and to hopefully start a family in years to come. But while I'm enthusiastic about the lifestyle changes I'm about to undertake, I'm still a little weirded out about the identity changes I will undergo once I say, "I do."

On January 15, 2011, I will no longer be a Mart*****. I will have to obtain a new driver's license and new credit cards. I'll have to change my work email and my business cards. I will have to remind myself of my new last name everytime I sign a receipt, make reservations or shop online. To quote Shakespeare,

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Well, okay, then, so what IS in a name? Won't I still be the same person with the same interests and the same dislikes as I was before I got married? Why is this tiny little edit to my life making me feel so uncomfortable?

I guess the first and most obvious answer is that I've been who I am for the last 27 years of my life. I can spell my last name frontwards, backwards, in the dark, upside and inside out. It's what has always distinguished me from the zillion other Nicoles in class. It's the reason why Lauren Marr** and I became such good friends ten years ago (we always sat behind each other in school). It's part of what makes Lyndsey and I sisters. It's what makes my father, mother, sister and I a family. It's what lets me know that I BELONG somewhere. When I become a Ben******, I will be leaving my family name and joining another one. Yes, Gianfranco and I are becoming ONE, but he will still be the same person he was before he enters the church. I, on the other hand, will become someone different.

The second is that my sister and I are the end of the line. We're all that's left of the Mart***** family tree. My dad has an older sister who changed her name over 30 years ago and my father has no cousins with whom he shares his last name. I guess I feel guilty that I am killing a family name that began hundreds and hundreds of years ago.

The last reason is actually related (no pun intended) to the first. Anyone who knows me is aware of how much I love family history and genealogy and heritage. Lately, I've been pretty hardcore about it - going to the library, obtaining marriage licenses and birth certificates and interviewing family members for oral histories. And maybe it's because I'm too sensitive, too analytical or just too involved in my wedding planning, but seeing the names of my ancestors triggered a whole bunch of emotions. When most people explore their family heritage, they generally tend to focus on the family name, that is, the last name of the husband. But what about the wife? During my research, I've discovered tons of maiden names that I didn't even know existed! Am I not as much of my great-great grandmother's family as I am of my great-great grandfather's?! I hope my children and my grandchildren are just as aware of their mother's family names as they are of their father's.

I guess the good news is we've now come into an age where maiden names are still used, whether it's legally hyphenated or just displayed on your Facebook page. And I suppose the people who knew you as a child will probably always think of you as your maiden name. The forementioned Lauren has since become Lauren Smith (Smith is broad enough that I doubt she'd mind it being published!) but to me, she will always be Lauren Marr**.

So brides and married ladies, please comment and tell me how YOU feel/felt about changing your last name. Am I making too big of a deal about it? Will I tell my daughter 30 years from now what my mother tells me - that she has been and will be her married name far longer than she was ever her maiden name?