in the case of an emergency

Everytime I tell people my wedding will be in January, they look like I just told them I was pregnant with Satan's child. They raise eyebrows, tilt heads and express great concern.

I know weddings create this mental picture of grass and flowers and trees but that's just not the kind of wedding I'm hoping to have. Where others want sun, I want cloudy skies. Where there would be green leaves, I want bare branches.

The big question people ask me is, "What will you do if it snows?" While my immediate reaction is to pose a similar question, "What will others do if it rains? If it's a heatwave? If it hails?" I've discovered (or rather my parents did) a nice, credible answer.

It's called WedSafe and for a minimal cost (minimal relative to the cost of the wedding), it provides you with insurance for your wedding day.

Here's an excerpt from the website:

"WedSafeEventCancellation / Postponement Plus coverage helps protect all you have invested in your wedding – now and throughout the planning period as you put down deposits, sign contracts, and make purchases.

It covers your wedding against extreme situations that might cause postponement (severe weather, accident, sudden illness) and against financial loss if the event goes on but you have a glitch along the way – no-show vendors, lost photographs, damage to the wedding gown, and more.

• If you're worried about recovering your deposits if a vendor goes bankrupt or doesn't deliver as promised
• If you're concerned that extreme weather or an unexpected illness or injury could force you to postpone
• If the bride or groom is in the military and approved leave could be canceled"

My parents are planning on purchasing the insurance in the event of a blizzard but I would encourage all brides to take a look as well. While it won't cover a wedding canceled by the bride and groom because they hate each other, it will cover pretty much anything else that could go wrong on the big day.

The good thing about having a wedding in January is that there is no pressure. I am expecting, or rather, HOPING my day to be cloudy and cold, with a little bit of snow. Knowing my luck, however, I'll have the only warm and sunny day that January.

Maybe WedSafe can cover my wedding in the event THAT happens?!

cute site

I also found this really cute site for grooms. It's called The Plunge and it's provides entertaining articles for the men who are suddenly thrown into this crazy world called wedding planning.

I doubt Gianfranco will read it as often as I read The Knot, but it's worth a try!

be our guest (or not)

Now that my favorite television shows are done for the season (boo to cliffhangers but yay to Kris Allen!), I have a little more time to concentrate on both the blog and my wedding planning. Lucky you!

So the Venetian told us we needed to have at least 215 guests attend our wedding. That's nice wedding vendor talk for we need to at least PAY for 215 guests. Whether or not they show up is no concern of the hall's. With that in mind, GF and I started attacking our guest list again, this time with a more judging eye.

Granted, Momzilla and Wedding Singer Dad are graciously paying for our reception but we still had to think: Does Aunt Sue REALLY need to be invited? Should cousin May be invited with a guest even though she hasn't dated anyone since the new millennium? Will co-workers be offended if they're not invited?

These were all questions we asked ourselves. So, my dear readers, how did we answer them?

1. Absolutely NO children under the age of 18 other than bridal party and IMMEDIATE family. That means first cousins. It's not that I don't want kids there. I actually think little kids are adorable at weddings. The problem I have is if you invite one, you have to invite them all. It's easier to just limit them to a specific group. Otherwise, you have a riot on your hands when little Joey gets invited but sweet Sally doesn't.
2. If you're single and you know it, clap your hands. No, wait, that's not what I meant to say. If you're single and you know lots of other single guests, you're invited alone. I am all about inviting single people with dates if I know they will otherwise be sitting in the corner by themselves while their engaged/married friends are slow dancing for the 5th time that night. I don't want to make anyone feel lonely and sad and suicidal. That's just not how I envision my wedding day. But, on the other hand, if we have a group of single friends who will keep each other company and challenge each other to another shot of Yaeger, then I will leave the "& Guest" off the envelope. Hey, who knows who will end up going home together? See, now THAT'S how I envision my wedding day - bringing people together!
3. My parents have a zillion friends. Just because they went to your son's uncle's wedding DOESN'T mean you have to come to mine. This isn't Revenge of the Wedding Envelopes, people! You should be invited to my wedding because my fiance and I want to share our day with you, NOT just because your son's uncle was crazy enough to want to share HIS day with Carol & Russ.
4. When I was a kid, I was told not to talk to strangers. The same will be applied for the guest list. If neither my fiance nor I know who you are, then you're not invited. I understand GF has family members whom I have never met and my mom has coworkers whom GF has never seen, but as long as at least ONE of us knows at least one half of each couple, then we're fine. I don't want to make new friends on my wedding day. I already have friends. 215 of them.
5. Of those 215 friends, some also serve as coworkers. Shoutouts to Meg, my workwife, Vik, my part-time chauffeur and to Mel and Mary, my fellow brides-to be! As a very social person, this guest list is extremely hard to create. Of course I won't be able to invite EVERYONE but I think my office is pretty understanding in that department. My company is small but when you start inviting dates and husbands, that number doubles. Gianfranco, on the other hand, doesn't plan on inviting his coworkers. I think a good "work" rule to follow is, if you are friends both inside and outside the office, then go ahead and invite. Otherwise, I don't think anyone would be offended.

I think I've covered the main groups but are there any other situations that I've ignored? Should I reevaluate my criteria for any of these? Brides, I need your help!

what i hate about wedding planning #42

I get so annoyed when I email a vendor regarding their price list and they tell me to *make an appointment* to discuss their packages. I mean, if I made an appointment to see every vendor I liked, the wedding would never be planned. Emailing them (and the dozen other vendors in their field) is my way of weeding out the ones who aren't in my budget. I just want to know if they are in my price range. If they are, great. I'll set up a consultation with the fiance and we'll be ready to hear more. If they aren't, then at least I know and I don't waste an hour of my life explaining what we want just so they can give us their outrageous prices.

As you can see, I've grown a little wary of vendors who won't give their prices either through email or over the phone. I know some of them claim it's because they don't want their competitors to see their prices. Others justify it by saying each package is custom designed.

Blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I think these a lot of these vendors are fully aware of how much they cost and they believe they'll have an easier chance of booking you if you are talking with them face to face. I don't like that. It reminds me of shady car salesmen who use one-on-one meetings to assess how much of a sucker you are.

So ladies, take my advice. If a vendor isn't willing to provide you with costs on your intial request, they're probably not worth the visit.

please don't stop the music

Okay so photography is done! Woo hoo! Now on to the next vendor - the DJ. Survey says people remember two things about weddings - the food (The Venetian has a great reputation for their catering) and the music.

I don't think I ever really hesitated in my decision to have a DJ over a band. Nothing against bands or singers - heck, my father is a wedding singer - but I think I'd prefer to have the original version of the song with the original artist. Plus, not to sound too bridezilla-ish but I have this fear that my guests will spend the whole evening watching the band perform instead of watching me and Gianfranco share our first dance. My mother says the guests won't do that, but I know I tend to focus on the band at weddings so who's to say guests wouldn't do it at mine?

So now I'm all about the music. Researching the different DJ companies, inquiring about their prices, attending their showcases, etc. And once again, I have a clear vision of what type of package I'm seeking. Sometimes I wish I were a simple bride who didn't care about lighting or plasma screens. Life would be so much easier, not to mention CHEAPER!

I've always been a music person. When I was little, I used to sing Paula Abdul songs to my Jordan Knight poster. When I was in Junior High, I kept my stereo on all night long with a mix tape handy in case a good song came on the radio. When I was in High School, I contemplated starting my own CD mixes, called Mood Music, which would have been comparable to the iPod Playlists of today. In college, I was known for having the largest music collection of all of my friends and I was always the first to know the latest song on the radio. My first and current job deals a lot with music/radio research and one of my bosses calls me the "Golden Gut" for my uncanny ear for pop hits.

Anyone who knows me will agree that I am slightly dramatic. I know my good friends are screaming, "Slightly?!!?" at the computer screen right now but I don't want to scare of any readers who DON'T know me! But part of that dramatic side is this ridiculous notion that my life is a movie and my music is the soundtrack. We've had our wedding playlist selected for months now, even before we got engaged, so you can only imagine how picky I will be about finding the right DJ.

Here is what I'm looking for (in case you know a DJ or ARE a DJ):

1. Plasma Screens. That is number one on my list because of the emotional, dramatic, sentimental images I plan on displaying during the evening. I'll probably need to leave tissue boxes on each table.
   
2. Italian Music. I'm marrying a man named Gianfranco. That's just his first name. We'll need Italian music and we'll need a lot of it. I'm leaving the fiance in charge of determining how experienced prospective DJs are with Italian-American weddings since I have no clue.
3. Intelligent Lighting. This actually isn't so much a criterion (criteria is plural) of mine as it is my mother's. I dont know, maybe it's because of her disco dancin' ways that she wants all different colored lights flashing while she boogies but she is determined to have this crazy thing called "Intelligent Lighting" at the wedding. I do wonder why it's called "Intelligent" though. Will it flash with the beat of the songs? Will it announce my entrance into the ballroom? Will it spell out "Congratulations" on the wall? We shall see!
   
4. A normal emcee. Don't laugh because living in the Northern NJ/NYC area makes this request hard to find. I don't want Sonic the Hedgehog announcing the "Fatha/Dawta" dance or asking guests to please join us on the "dance flaw." I don't want a fist pumper or MC Hammer to narrate my wedding. I just want a classy guy who tastefully keeps the party moving.
   

I don't think that list is too long, is it? I've just begun my research and we have our first appointment next Tuesday. I doubt I'll spend as much time on the DJ search as I did on the photography search but only because there are fewer DJ options from which I can choose.

Once I select a DJ, I will then work on my DO NOT PLAY list. Kinda like the DO NOT CALL list, only listing songs and not involving telemarketers. But don't worry, there will be a separate entry on that and I'll definitely be requesting songs that you, the readers, hate hearing at weddings.

Any tips or advice for me as I begin my quest for the perfect entertainment? I'd love to hear them...

a rose by any other name...

So Gianfranco's sister, Nancy, is getting married this October and as both a bridesmaid and future sister-in-law, I've been helping out with her wedding tasks. A few weeks ago, she was addressing her Save the Date magnets and I offered my hand (literally) in writing out some of the envelopes. As I was filling out return address on the first envelope, I wrote Nancy's first initial ("N" obviously!) and then my hand immediately went to writing out my last name when I caught myself and remembered to fill in Nancy's last name. I wasn't really surprised that I made that mistake as I very rarely address envelopes from anyone other than me but I was surprised at the thought that came next.

While the N. Ben****** on the envelopes right now stands for Nancy Ben******, the same initial will represent NICOLE Ben****** in another year and a half!

I think I've been pretty calm about the whole marriage thing. I'm excited to live with Gianfranco and to cook dinner with/for him and to have "His" and "Hers" towels hanging in the bathroom. I'm happy to share my life with the man I love and to hopefully start a family in years to come. But while I'm enthusiastic about the lifestyle changes I'm about to undertake, I'm still a little weirded out about the identity changes I will undergo once I say, "I do."

On January 15, 2011, I will no longer be a Mart*****. I will have to obtain a new driver's license and new credit cards. I'll have to change my work email and my business cards. I will have to remind myself of my new last name everytime I sign a receipt, make reservations or shop online. To quote Shakespeare,

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Well, okay, then, so what IS in a name? Won't I still be the same person with the same interests and the same dislikes as I was before I got married? Why is this tiny little edit to my life making me feel so uncomfortable?

I guess the first and most obvious answer is that I've been who I am for the last 27 years of my life. I can spell my last name frontwards, backwards, in the dark, upside and inside out. It's what has always distinguished me from the zillion other Nicoles in class. It's the reason why Lauren Marr** and I became such good friends ten years ago (we always sat behind each other in school). It's part of what makes Lyndsey and I sisters. It's what makes my father, mother, sister and I a family. It's what lets me know that I BELONG somewhere. When I become a Ben******, I will be leaving my family name and joining another one. Yes, Gianfranco and I are becoming ONE, but he will still be the same person he was before he enters the church. I, on the other hand, will become someone different.

The second is that my sister and I are the end of the line. We're all that's left of the Mart***** family tree. My dad has an older sister who changed her name over 30 years ago and my father has no cousins with whom he shares his last name. I guess I feel guilty that I am killing a family name that began hundreds and hundreds of years ago.

The last reason is actually related (no pun intended) to the first. Anyone who knows me is aware of how much I love family history and genealogy and heritage. Lately, I've been pretty hardcore about it - going to the library, obtaining marriage licenses and birth certificates and interviewing family members for oral histories. And maybe it's because I'm too sensitive, too analytical or just too involved in my wedding planning, but seeing the names of my ancestors triggered a whole bunch of emotions. When most people explore their family heritage, they generally tend to focus on the family name, that is, the last name of the husband. But what about the wife? During my research, I've discovered tons of maiden names that I didn't even know existed! Am I not as much of my great-great grandmother's family as I am of my great-great grandfather's?! I hope my children and my grandchildren are just as aware of their mother's family names as they are of their father's.

I guess the good news is we've now come into an age where maiden names are still used, whether it's legally hyphenated or just displayed on your Facebook page. And I suppose the people who knew you as a child will probably always think of you as your maiden name. The forementioned Lauren has since become Lauren Smith (Smith is broad enough that I doubt she'd mind it being published!) but to me, she will always be Lauren Marr**.

So brides and married ladies, please comment and tell me how YOU feel/felt about changing your last name. Am I making too big of a deal about it? Will I tell my daughter 30 years from now what my mother tells me - that she has been and will be her married name far longer than she was ever her maiden name?

all i heard was, "blah, blah, blah"

Bride or not, we're all guilty of it at one point in our lives. Some of us are better at it than others but in the end, we all tend to focus on what's going on in our own world without being aware of how our chatter is absolutely boring everyone else around us. For people like me, it's a wedding. For others, it's their job or their boyfriend or their house or their baby.

I am so excited to get married that I'm pretty sure my thoughts revolve around my wedding about 90% of the time. Ninety-percent. The remaining 10% is given to my favorite television shows (Idol!), my summer vacation (Italy!) and my weekend plans (quick, name an activity that starts with an "I"!)

My poor friends! My poor coworkers! My poor fiance! It's amazing how just one little day, nearly TWO years from now, is all I ever think about. We were at my grandparents' house Saturday night and all I could yap about were my wedding plans. My own sister, the Maid of Honor, was even tired of listening to me. By the end of the night, I was too.

Unless the person to whom you are talking is going through the same stage of life as you, chances are they are smiling and nodding and not listening to a word you're saying. And it's not just about planning your wedding but about also experiencing pregnancy or buying a house or meeting the new love of your life or raising your two children.

I've decided that there are three types of listeners in this world:

• The Me-Toos are the best kind of listeners to have. These are the people who are obsessing over the same events, experiences or emotions that you are. When I was heavily involved in big projects at work, I turned to my coworkers to discuss politics, market research and questionnaire design. When my ex and I broke up for the zillionth time several years ago, his friend's ex-girlfriend and I would spend hours comparing notes and analyzing our broken relationships. Now that I'm planning my wedding, my close (engaged) friend Renee and I swap ideas, concerns and questions. These friends not only hear you, but they listen and provide good, solid insight as well. They're not tired of hearing you ramble on about petal cones and placecards. They are genuinely interested in your thoughts because ultimately, it could affect theirs as well.
  
• The Oh-Really?-That's-Nice listeners don't mean to look away while you're talking but can you really blame them? You have to give them credit for politely hearing about things that either don't apply to them yet or that once applied to them a long time ago. It's hard to share in a bride's happiness over flower arrangements if tulips are the last thing on your mind at the moment! I know I've done it myself to other friends who, ironically, were planning their weddings! My good friend got married last year and I was SO not involved in her wedding planning. Imagine that?! It's not that I didn't care or that I wasn't happy for her, I just didn't really know or understand all the little details that she was describing. Now, of course, I wish I had paid more attention to the times she spoke about her photographers or about her overnight guest baskets. Instead, I was probably wrapped up in whatever topic was consuming my mind at that point in my life.
  
• Last and least, the Enough, Alreadys! are the (non) listeners who have already been talked to death that they either a) avoid you, b) escape you or c) interrupt you before you even have a chance to mention your wedding. They just don't want to hear about it anymore! They can't seem to understand what happened to the girlfriend/friend/sister/daughter/coworker/teammate/roommate/carpooling buddy (Sorry Vik!) they used to know and love! I think Gianfranco has sadly accepted that his fiancee has disappeared and left a bumbling bridezilla in her place. Whenever we go to my parents' house, he brings his laptop and plays on the computer while my mother and I talk wedding stuff because he knows it's pointless to even discuss anything else.
  

So there you have it, folks. One group is listening, one group is nodding and one group is covering their ears so they don't have to hear anymore. The good news is that people are not stuck in any one particular group. My roommate, who is also engaged, tends to jump from "Enough, Already" to "Me-Too" to "Oh-Really?-That's-Nice," depending on the topic. When I mention wedding dresses, she's all ears. When I talk about the guest list, she listens politely and when I bring up wedding etiquette, she quickly lets me know that she's had enough.

I guess the point of this posting is to remind everyone, not just brides, to be mindful of how much of your obsession is shared by the people with whom you're conversing. Like battles, you need to learn to pick your conversation topics wisely.

Otherwise, you'll have to start a blog because nobody will want to talk to you anymore. Why do you think I started this one? :)